2020 through to 2021 can be considered a barren wasteland for me. Whether it was the fizzled out promise of a new job in the industry I thought I wanted or the ambitious plans I had for my life, none of my plans came to fruition. I felt (and still feel) that I was losing my voice and my authenticity — my entire being felt empty.
So despite my cynicisms about new year resolutions, I want to make 2022 a year where I hold myself accountable for my plans to improve and upskill my life. I don’t believe in a makeover, but I certainly believe that every small step counts in making myself more me. And being me is enough — it has to be.
So here goes (it won’t be a rigid list that I absolutely must do by 2022, but here are some things I want to work one step at a time):
- Finding the “self” that was lost to the world.
I am like every other human — swayed by the world. Listening to the excess of voices out there — telling me what to do, how to do it, why I should do it — and caving into the pressures of fitting in with a world that never cared about me nor ever will, made me lose myself. I started not knowing what I wanted, unsure of who I was, and uncertain of the path to take.
This year, I want to listen more to myself, be more in tune with what my heart, mind, and body is telling me. I will follow my instincts. I will learn to love myself for who I am and not what the world expects me to be.
2. Do, do, do.
I dream. A lot. And because I spend all that time dreaming, planning, and fretting, I end up not doing anything.
This year, instead of waiting for that perfect plan or that perfect moment, I will simply take the first step by actioning something, anything. The first step is the trigger point for the next steps — and step by step, I will reach my goalpost. Sure, it may be slow, I may never reach the end, or I may decide to give up halfway. But at the very least, I tried. And that has to be enough for now.
3. Be softer and kinder to myself.
Yes, there may just be too much self-love (and if misplaced, it becomes self-absorbed) in the world right now; people often use self-care as an excuse to not do something.
And yes, I still believe that we need to push ourselves in order to excel. Nothing comes easy, so why should my success be any different? Blood, sweat, tears right?
But coming from someone with social anxiety and generalised anxiety, while still wanting perfection in everything I do, this takes a huge toll on my mental health. So this year, I want to put the focus back on myself and accept that I can’t be in control of every situation and I can’t plan the fuck out of everything. I want to go more with the flow and accept that, yes indeed, the only constant in life is change. So it’s okay that I can’t always meet expectations, I can’t always expect things to go my way, I can’t always deliver according to people’s expectations.
Basically, I want to learn that sometimes, it’s fine to let go and not beat myself up for it.
4. Go back to the basics.
In going back to the basics, I mean paring down to only the essential. There are two angles I’m going with: the first is decluttering my physical belongings; the second is decluttering my mind. In a way, this ties in nicely with #1, where I will hopefully be able to find my way back to myself without all the distractions.
There’s too many things going on today — our minds are constantly whirring, our phones constantly buzzing, our screens constantly blaring … It’s time to cut back on all the noise.
Note to self: It is Christmas Eve, but I feel down and out, lost and purposeless. Maybe 2022 will bring something new with it, maybe nothing will change. But either way, I will endeavour to live more authentically.
